Out with the old, in with the old

Like most people, I was thinking about New Year's resolutions the other day. And like most people, I'm fully aware that I'll probably make a big ol' list of stuff I'll want to accomplish over the next twelve months, which list will promptly disappear, providing me with the perfect excuse not to accomplish anything on it, because how can you possibly cross stuff off your list if you don't have any idea where it is? My name is not Earl.

So I've decided that this year, I'm going to apply a little reverse psychology to myself. Since I know that any New Year's resolutions I make will be completely forgotten within a week and I won't keep a single one of them, I hereby make the following resolutions:

1. I resolve to leave my Christmas tree up and holiday decorations out until St. Patrick's Day.

2. This year, I will drink at least six cans of Dr Pepper every day at work. Water is for fish.

3. I will drive by the gym on my way to work and on my way home from work each day, smiling and waving and saying to His Nibs, "You know, we really ought to work out now and again." He'll agree, and we will go on adding girth and chins to ever-expanding collections.

4. Every night, I will pick up my pen and notebook with the good intentions of writing at least 500 words, only to get bored/tired/discouraged/distracted by screaming kids, at which point I'll heave a great sigh, toss the pen and notebook aside, invoke Dorothy Parker by murmuring "What fresh hell is this?" and vow to write 1,000 words the next night.

5. I vow to make sure I leave a sinkful of dishes every night so I can do them the next morning. Mornings are so dull at my house, what with putting the dog out, feeding the fur people, getting His Nibs and the kids up for work and school, fixing breakfast, packing lunches, taking the garbage out, showering, dressing, looking for lost school books, signing permission slips that were due a week ago, making coffee, loading the washing machine, putting the dog out again, chasing the cat back in, refereeing teenage disputes, unearthing a hidden cell phone or iPod, rushing to the gas station because I forgot to go the night before (I promise never to fill up at night, too), putting dinner in the crock pot, hustling the kids out the door so they don't miss the bus, hustling His Nibs out the door so we're not late to work, hustling back into the house to unplug the coffee machine, etc. etc. etc. Oh, and washing the previous night's dishes.

6. While I'm at it, I won't lay out my clothes for the following day, either. Too much trouble, and I need one more thing to do in the mornings.

7. I think I'll skip doing scales on the piano this year, and while I'm at it, when choir practice starts up again, I don't plan to memorize any of my music. Makes performances that much more challenging.

8. Shopping being such a chore for me, I believe that I'll just dispense with getting the kids winter coats when they're on sale. They're teenagers, you know, so they probably wouldn't wear them, anyway.

9. I'm going to pay all my bills late and incur a whole boatload of late fees. I just might make sure to rack up a bunch of overdraft fees as well. Why fight it? It's only money. Heck, I may just pay my taxes late too, just to keep things interesting. It's the American way!

10. All the good movies being on late at night, I resolve to get no more than four or five hours' sleep every night this year. Thanks, TCM!

11. Finally, I resolve to start my Christmas shopping on December 23. Again.

If I fail to keep these resolutions, I will have indeed accomplished something. Happy New Year!